sixteenth of may

Today was the first day of our halfyearlys. Great start, only arrived a tad late ):
So the exams were English, Geography and History. I obviously didn't have the time to study for eng, so I was pretty much screwed. For geo and hist, I forgot my class. How embarrasing... I guess the eng was easiest ? I full studied in the break for geo and hist. Result ? Mindblanked. Facepalms right there, watch me ace your favourite subject.

During dinner, I was watching this reality show. Today's problem was that a man made his woman wait for him for five years. In the beginning, her mother won't let them be together. She made impossible standards to achieve and therefore the guy left with the idea of returning in a position to satisfy them. The guy came back and it was too late, she was engaged already and marrying in two months.
In the end, mum asked me, "if you were the girl, would you wait ?" I put you into the place of the man and i thought. If it was for you, I would. I would patiently wait for those years to pass. I said yes to mum, she said I was a crazy girl, I would seriously attempt suicide like the girl on the show. I thought about it, if you left me a note saying you will be back after a certain amount of time, I would wait. I wouldn't physically die, but hell yeah emotionally and psychologically. The motivation would be prolly chat history and albums...

I cried so much listening to this episode. It reminded me greatly of you. I remembered how you said in the future, when we grow up, we would go our separate ways. But you will become wealthy and search for me. I also remember how you said you'd keep me in your heart and soul in mushiie. Wish I could feel the warmth of thoses words being said to me again. Yeah, it's funny how I still remembered this, even though he helped me dump the memories already. Can you tell me why I remember them ? Anyway, I guess the reason of the fall was lack of communication in oppa's words. Yeahs the stupidity is still in me I guess. I really hope the result of my decision to not look back is in the favour of you. Because if it isn't, tell me, I'm willing to go back any day.

I miss you <3 ...

eleventh of may

Came on because my friend just had to remind me of this. It's been over a year since I've been on this site. Maybe it's because I don't want to think back to such perfect moments. The time when I was stupid enough to think I was the shttest thing on earth I guess. The time when I pushed you way beyond you could stand it, when I should've held on. The time when I had to let go...

I look back and I realised how much I had hurt you. Sorry. The ignorance that I had back then; gone because of that day. Tears wouldn't hold you back. I know it wouldn't. I had pushed it way too much, the only way was to push it all back to me.

But can you really forget it ? Maybe you can. However painful it is to remember, I still find it nice to think back. Maybe because of your endurance. Maybe because of your acting. Whatever.

Do you know how much pain I would feel when you're slightly down ? Did you know how much I wanted to help you ? But all you did was to smile and pretend everything's all good and all. Well that's not the case, even now. I want to be able to be there for you, like you  did all that time. It's not easy to forget. It never easy to remember either, but after those obstacles and rebel times I had, I can't erase those memories.

I used to remember the words of nitee and sweet dreams. I never thought much about it and replied. But I now know how much of an impact it had on me. The calm and comfort it brings to... The other night, I had a nightmare. People say that you will forget what you dream of in the night after 3mins. But guess what, I remembered it all. Why ? You were related to it. I was dying in the nightmare, all I could do was cry and those memories flashed right past me. I was trying to grasp as many as I could, so I would still remember you in the next life. The moment I hung onto strongly was the one from camp. Since it was dark I slipped and I couldn't hear anything. It was at that moment when you caught onto me and I immediately felt warm from the cold night. That's what I wish right now. In this cold night, I would feel warm once again. I remembered it all, it's the only dream/nightmare I can remember.

However I'm trying to cover it up, I guess I really miss it...